a place to read problems and forget about your own

So, a few days since my last blog and I’ve realised that i may not get readers but this writing is good for me. If anyone is out there an reading this I’m sorry for putting you through this boring information of my life.

Sometimes i feel as if I just have too much drama in my life or maybe i cause it because if there is always a drama people wont see through all the lies. I guess at times i feel like all i am is just one big lie, I’m not real. The girl people like isn’t me it’s a mask. A mask of lies. I claim to be so different, so talentd so much better than i really am.

So to cover up the guilt of all the lies i am I cause drama I guess so that way people have something else to focus on. I nevr cause drama between people just in my own life. I put people down to be accepted but the sad thig is i was accepted by my friends and peers years ago. I put people down so I can be accepted by myself. I still havnt accepted myself. It could possibly be one of the most worst feelings in the world.

A lie is like a car, you have to keep fuel in it to keep it going. It’s a lie on top of another lie, until all you’re left with is a big tangled web of lies.

‘Jesus’ and I are finally talking and well I for one am being honest completely see through because he needs to know how much i am hurting. I asked him to tell me he still cares, tell me i still matter I know it’s stupid but I needed to hear it, i just needed to hear it.

I know I can b happy without him, I have before but when i got the reply saing ‘im sorry i cant do that’ my heart shattered even more I feel so lost.

I’m going to be okay I am! I have too! I will be!

He is not my life. I won’t let him be.

I’m me, me is me.

That’s it.

I don’t need him to be me.

I am important and loved.  I matter!

‘

Recently, during one of my most upsetting breakdowns I was sitting with 2 of my best friends who mentioned starting a blog. They were right, I enjoy writing and I’m not saying my life is anything extra ordinary but i thought it’s about time to start possibly helping kids who can learn from my problems. I’m not much of a role model, more of a example. An example for showing that even when life gets really tough and feels impossible there is a way out.

Adults these day don’t exactly understand what it’s like being 16 these days. If they did I’m sure the pressure wouldn’t be so high. So to start because i know we need a base to form a relationship with our readers and lets just say firstly if anyone reads this i am very sorry my spelling and grammar is repulsive and terrible, second if it gets boring don’t worry dramas happen quite frequently and thirdly advice is appreciated.

I guess it starts when i was younger my mum got pretty sick and she’s been struggling with depression ever since, so yeah that sucks a bit. Skip a few years mum and dad break up, skip a few more years i learn  i have a mind of my own and my dads opinions and beliefs which he is trying so hard to push on me clash with mine and we fall out and where does that leave me?In a town with none of my family living with my drama teachers friends, 16 alone and living to the best of my ability.

Actually that’s probably not true. I could live better.

I have 3 bottles of full wine in my room.

I have about 9 empty alcohol bottles in my room.

I have a legal drug called dream in my room, sitting next to about 13 condoms and a packet of papers.

I try. I really do, life is just so hard sometimes.

So there’s this boy. Scratch that . There’s this man.

Lets call him Jesus. He’s 18. He would be what i consider a big big problem.

I’ll draw a picture for you.

Blonde, tan, green eyes. Amazing body and one of the most charming boys you can imagine.

Sounds like the most amazing guy right? Oh boy. So wrong.

I have never felt like this about anyone. I waited till i was 16 to have sex with him, we’ve been together well sort of together for 7 months but when we first had sex we weren’t even together., i was stupid. I hoped for the physical side but tried to ignore the emotional. It didn’t work.

I can’t breath without him, or so it feels and i know adults say teenagers have no idea what love is but my goodness they are as wrong as you can get. I love that boy so much it burns under my ribs to think about it. We broke up this morning.

We break up every second day and then the plan is usually to get back together. If i had started a blog 7 months ago you’d understand. It’s hard. So hard. It’s always my fault, he never takes the blame. Sometimes i just can’t do it anymore because he drives me out of my mind but we are always getting back together because we can’t stay apart.

I live in Palmerston North. I’m having a break from things for a few days in Christchurch, so it’s not like i can just go to his place and sort things out. Things have never been this real. Things don’t feel this real the other times we say it’s over. This boy over the last few months has become my life. It’s hard to think about having one without him.

I want to be over him, more than anything i do! It’s just so hard when he’s all that’s on my mind.

There’s a boy at my school, who makes me smile. He thinks i’m more beautiful than ‘Jesus’ has ever thought. He treasures me and thinks i’m smart and amazing.

I would like to like him, but i have no heart left to try.

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA